I write this post with the feeling a little bit hurt. Yesterday I sent the email to one of Japanese University, informed that I can't attend the school this year and thanking so much for the invaluable support they gave to me during the process of selection for the scholarship.
Happy, sad, irony, unbelievable, desperate, grateful are mingled. I have received the information on April from the University stating that I am accepted in the University through one of scholarship provider. But unfortunately I finally can't go due to the disapproval of scholarship provider to give me a scholarship - although I am the Best nominee from the University to receive scholarship. I just can't understand since there are some people from the University said that it's almost impossible for the scholarship provider to ignore the recommendation from the University, and they added this is mean that I am 90% prospective, even 99%.
But this is actually that I have thought when I was on their consideration process. No matter how prospective we are, but God can do everything at the rest. I can't go to Japan if He's not allow me to go. And this is really true, He works on this 10 percent. I am sad, but grateful I have stepped so far although in final I am fail. I try ask to God why He does not allow me to go and make me stay longer in this city, in this home, in my current office.
I haven't got the answer but I try to be Ok with this.
The last email I sent to University yesterday has confirmed that I really will not attend the school on September this year. Although they give me unconditional letter, of course I can't study due to financial limited.
Now I am on my effort to mend this broken heart. I am just try to positively think that His plan is better than I have thought. I am hardly build my willpower to keep fighting and standing. And I try to remember that I have told my sister that there will be a time for everything.
And this three days I have done this. I am working on new application for another scholarship. I am tired to start it again from beginning actually. But I think that we will never get anything from keeping the sadness.